Smashing it up.

3am. 

A bar in Chinatown.

I'm sniffing up some powder on the tip of my key.

Chaim wonders if you can catch Hepatitis A this way.

Or B.

Or C.

Is A better than B, which is better than C?

Chaim wonders whether Hepatitis U just flunked out of disease school early because of family trouble.

I go back into the cubicle where I left Kaya, legs spread, on the covered toilet.

She swallows me whole.  Generations of Judaic manhood, reduced to this, a hastily impromtu coke fuelled blow job, in a toilet cubicle in downtown LA.

Cut to:

Turns out Kaya, a development executive at Warner Brothers, lives two blocks down from the bar where we'd gone to celebrate my latest picture getting the thumbs up.

Kaya's bed.

She looks up at me as I give her some further education on the plight of the Jewish people.

Have you got any Jewish in you I ask her, You have now.

Its an old joke, but for a bloated greying coke'd up Chaim, its de rigeur.

My Mogen David, or for the gentile shiksa non believers amongst us yes that 's you with the foreskin, come out with your hands up, and your foreskin rolled down around your ankles..

for those of you in this camp, its the star of david chain I wear around my Jewish neck.

Anyway, My star of david smashes against Kaya's eye as I thrust back and forth.

Chaim is like a Baptist, annointing Kaya with the Star of David, smashing her eye with it as he smashes her up.

Kaya is a cute Chinese American with some Mexican blood.

Chaim is spoilt.

Dom Hashman, VP of Warner Village, took her under his wing and seconded her to my prod company for six months.

Nice one Dom. 

Lambs to the slaughter.

To the beautiful Oriental women of this world, thank you, me love you long time.

I gotta go. I'm on an all night edit, fuelled with coke and whisky.

I am Chaim's lost youth.

Kids - drop the cappel, drop the books, go find the mojo.

Keep it covered, keep it locked on.

Chaim out.

Knockout

Days later, Chaim finds himself leaning up against a bus stop on Sunset Strip, shirt untucked, jacket torn. Wallet empty.

A line of dried blood mixed with white powder trails down from his nose.

He checks his groin.

Good, still there.

Senseless, but still there.

The sun is creepy up above the city skyscrapers.

What day is it?

Chaim thinks back to where it all began.

It was last week.

Now its this week.

He digs out his cell phone.

23 sms messages, 7 voicemails.

Mai Ling Mai Ling Mai Ling

Poor undeserving wench.

The Los Angeles Police Department.

Oh no.

Mother, Mrs Finkelstein.

Oh shit.

A bus pulls up. Doors flinging open.

Chaim hasn't ever taken a bus in LA in all his 20 years there.

He looks at the driver with disdain. A Mexican with a dirty tache.

Do I look like a guy who catches a fuckin bus Hose?

Remembering he's out of notes, Chaim jumps onboard getting caught by the closing doors.

Squeezing through, he digs out a some quarters from the nether regions of his pants.

Find a seat. Any seat. Away from the whores, pimps and Albanian hard nuts.

I am the underbelly of Chaim's life.

I am filth.

All things must pass.

Chaim out.

Keep it....Kosher.

Gut Shabbos

As I prepare to usher in the Sabbath, Chaim readies himself for festivities in a way that only he knows.

Namely, a trip downtown to his dealer Rico, a fresh shave and haircut, a washed pair of jeans, and a pocket full of cash.

Baruch atta adonai, may the drugs be strong and the honies fly, elohanu melech hoalam, I'm going to party on till I get me some.

Mai Ling's at home watching X Factor re runs. That's fine. We all have our place in this world.

Btw, the casting session went great, Ren, Shui and Lorrisa are all meeting me tonight for cocktails at the Chateau Marmont. I'll post up results in due course.

I'm really excited about this project. And the film.

I love my life.

Keep it Kosher film fans.

Hoo rah. Kurrahee.

God Bless America.

And Jerusalem.

Chaim out.

Casting Call - Actresses

Greetings film fans and what a lovely sunny day to welcome in the Sabbath.

One feels blessed at this moment.

At another moment, one feels a baseless piece of excrement.

But that's all part of the rollercoaster of life, nahon? Nahon.

So we're prepping on two features here at my production company, so as usual, I'm sending out my feelers, to try and tap up some untapped talent - as usual, preference is always given to hot chicks with loose morals and legs. Actresses from the East, as per usual, always given special priority.

One of the reasons I do what I do, is it allows me to meet and get to know intimately such a beautiful range of people. I never have two days the same. And specifically, I never have two girls that are the same.

Except Mai Ling but the arrangement there is slightly different.

Its something my ex wife could never handle, but screw her. No, please, somebody screw her - she might get off my case then.

As the Sabbath approaches, I like to reflect on my life, do an internal spiritual audit of myself and how my being is affecting the world and those around me.

But my minds always gets interrupted by pussy.

I can't seem to get enough.

Is that a cover up?

Perhaps I'm gay.

At Schul, all the men have to sit together apart from the women. I never mind this too much - its always a good chance to talk shop and talk up one's latest projects.

Steve Spielberg actually goes to my local Schul so its always good to keep plugged in to his movements, and he feels the same way about me.

What not many people know about Steve is, he's actually a great carpenter. He carved me a little wood offering of a couple doing fellatio on each other - its really quite special. Steve doesn't go for the Asian girls so much as I do, he's more into the European look. He's a horny pest when he gets at it let me tell you - anyone who was at the Oscars after party last year can account for that. But more of that another time.

I must go, there's a line forming outside my door. I'm just off to talc my private areas.

Happy Sukot.

And as the Kabbalists say - give me all your money or I'll put a Jihad on your ass.

Baruch Hashemolovitch, kite.

Chaim.

Emptiness

I am an empty vessel.

A vessel with no bottom.

If you pour love into me, nothing gets retained, it just passes through me.

When you've slept with as many women as I have, you know there's something wrong if you're still wanting more.

When is enough, enough I ask you?

In my film career, getting nominated for an Oscar has been my goal to date. When I was at film school with Martin Scorcese in the 60s, we used to say we didn't aspire to that awards crap.

Well let me tell you. That's bullshit. We are strive for recognition.

With pussy, we all strive for a the next new one.

It don't matter if you've had 10, you'll want 11. If you got 11, you want 12, 13, etc. 

It never stops.

Mai Ling understands this. That's why I keep her around.

My ex wife, Rebecca, she didn't. That's why she aint around.

Jewish women? Don't get me started.

1. Their asses get so big past 30 that you need to buy a utility vehicle with extra large seats just to drive the ass around.

2. They aint built for it.

3. Look at Mai Ling.

4. They bust your balls. 

Question for you: Why d'you think all Jewish married men who been with their Jewish wives for over 10 years, all losing their hair, going bald, having heart trouble. Eh? Coz their balls is permanently in the electric chair that's why.

Then they take up golf. Why? They couldn't care less about golf. You ever seen a decent Jewish golfer? Course you haven't.

Its the best sport to get away from their wives. Its slow, you walk for 15 km over a course, you bend down, you stand up, you talk to your males friends about how meshugunah your wife is.

But don't get me started.

The point is - I was at a function tonight downtown, The Standard. The usual, a load of hot 20 something models and wanna be actresses. Lines of marching powder. Strong cocktails. Chaim, the film producer, mixing it up with the fillies. The inevitable happens, I get laid in the disabled toilets with a blonde from the OC called Sarah and an Asian chick from San Diego called Tammy. 

I told them to call me at the office tomorrow.

Will I remember them? Course I will, it was the best gig I've had in weeks. 

But when is enough enough?

When you hit 534.

Chaim is a worthless baseless piece of shit.

Hashem forgives the repentant.

Keep it kosher film fans.

Shalom Elechem.

Chaim Out.

2.30am

So i woke up at 2.30am - sweating, pain in abdomen.

I ran to the toilet to let loose.

I figured it was just the usual ablutions of a Hollywood film producer whose consumed too much food, drugs and alocohol over his twenty five year career, making over 20 feature film productions. Or is it twenty year career, with 25 feature film. I forget. And digress.

So I pass the stool. Not the stool that you sit on. I mean, why would I be passing that kind of stool at 2.30 alone in my apartment in my bathroom. I mean, who'd I pass a stool to and that time and why. I say alone, Mai Ling was obviously in bed sleeping. But I was alone, in that, I was the only Hollywood producer in the apartment.

So anyway, I start to get really nervous about the stool I passed. So I checked for spots of blood. I read that s a sensible thing to do in, it was a Men's Health magazine I think. It also told me how to get a six pack but I'm not quite there yet - I find it easier to check stools.

I'll check your stools for you if you like. I'm quite an expert.

There's only one problem.

I'm colour blind.

Yes film fans. Red, Brown, Green - its all the same shit to me.

So there I am, bent double over my toilet, 2.30am, Mai Ling doing her cute puppy snores from my bed, checking my stools for spots of blood but I can't tell the browns from the reds. Fcuk. I mean the whole thing could be one giant blood turd for all I know.

So what did I do.

I called help.

I called William Shatner, he's a close personal friend, and lives not so far away from me. I woke him up, but he said he'd come down.

He arrived about a half hour later and checked my stools. He gave me the all clear - there were no red spots.

I was relieved and felt much better. I asked him if he wanted a cuddle with Mai Ling for his troubles but he said he'd rather a quick game of chess, so we went onto the balcony and ended up playing chess till sun up. It was 4-3 in games to the Shat. He's good, but he's so slow making his moves, I wanted to slap his head a few times.

So, a long night. Which is never good before a full day of meetings I have today. I'm in with Disney and Fox. They're both competing for a script I'm producing called 'Death by Disorientation' - its an action/comic/thriller type thing. I'll keep you posted.

We're actually looking for an Asian lead for the movie. Any hot undiscovered ladies out there, step on forward and drop me a comment. We'll see if we can accomodate you.

Keep it real film fans.

And keep it Kosher.

Barush Hashem.

Chaim.

Ehad, Steyim, Shalosh.

I'm a big mukkah with fat pile of dosh.

Come sit with me, you little cutey,

Help me feel a little less empty.

This is Chaim Finkelstein.

I just got put on hold by Ridley Scott's pa. Who the fcuk does she think she is. And him? Overgrown egotistical English Limey schmuch. Go back to making commercials about Hovis bread or whatever the fcuk Hovis is.

Nobody puts Chaim on hold in this town baby.

Who am I kidding.

Nobody holds Chaim in this town.

Nonsense, I get enough.

Its funny, when I was younger, I was a slim, not unattractive Israelite. Found it very hard to pull the women, the glorious shiksas.

Now I've grown a tub, rounded at the shoulders, greying hair - I don't seem to even have to try. In this town, there's girls throwing themselves at corporate video directors, let alone film producers like myself who've made over 20 films.

Its ridiculous.

Come see for yourself.

Any girls out there, feel free to send in a picture of yourself and short bio. In fact, forget the bio, just send in the picture.

Me and my team will see if we can squeeze you into our next feature.

Mazel. Good things. Baruch Hashem.

Gotta go, Ridley is calling back.

Count to ten, make the sucker wait I say.

Chaim out.

I am Chaim Finkelstein.

I am an empty vessel.

I have produced over 20 motion pictures in a career spanning over 25 years.

I can't be happy.

I've won more awards than Michael Jackson.

I'm a self centred asshole. I hate myself.

I will charm you for your money, then schtup you on the recoupment order.

That is how you succeed in this game.

I am also a compulsive liar and nothing I say can be relied upon.

I'm currently working on several projects at varying stages of development.

Including my first feature.

And my personality.

Yes, I'm working on getting one.

One I like that it is.

Check in later for more updates.

Right now, I'm holding a casting session in my office and I've got to go and powder my nose and give these hot chicks the impression that I'm someone they want to bend over for.

Wish me luck film fans.

And remember, with the right amount of preparation, planning and motivation, and not to mention a handsome inheritance from your uncle Schmuel (who passed on millions of dollars from his leather factories in post war Germany) you too can achieve your goals.