Ehad, Steyim, Shalosh.

I'm a big mukkah with fat pile of dosh.

Come sit with me, you little cutey,

Help me feel a little less empty.

This is Chaim Finkelstein.

I just got put on hold by Ridley Scott's pa. Who the fcuk does she think she is. And him? Overgrown egotistical English Limey schmuch. Go back to making commercials about Hovis bread or whatever the fcuk Hovis is.

Nobody puts Chaim on hold in this town baby.

Who am I kidding.

Nobody holds Chaim in this town.

Nonsense, I get enough.

Its funny, when I was younger, I was a slim, not unattractive Israelite. Found it very hard to pull the women, the glorious shiksas.

Now I've grown a tub, rounded at the shoulders, greying hair - I don't seem to even have to try. In this town, there's girls throwing themselves at corporate video directors, let alone film producers like myself who've made over 20 films.

Its ridiculous.

Come see for yourself.

Any girls out there, feel free to send in a picture of yourself and short bio. In fact, forget the bio, just send in the picture.

Me and my team will see if we can squeeze you into our next feature.

Mazel. Good things. Baruch Hashem.

Gotta go, Ridley is calling back.

Count to ten, make the sucker wait I say.

Chaim out.