2.30am

So i woke up at 2.30am - sweating, pain in abdomen.

I ran to the toilet to let loose.

I figured it was just the usual ablutions of a Hollywood film producer whose consumed too much food, drugs and alocohol over his twenty five year career, making over 20 feature film productions. Or is it twenty year career, with 25 feature film. I forget. And digress.

So I pass the stool. Not the stool that you sit on. I mean, why would I be passing that kind of stool at 2.30 alone in my apartment in my bathroom. I mean, who'd I pass a stool to and that time and why. I say alone, Mai Ling was obviously in bed sleeping. But I was alone, in that, I was the only Hollywood producer in the apartment.

So anyway, I start to get really nervous about the stool I passed. So I checked for spots of blood. I read that s a sensible thing to do in, it was a Men's Health magazine I think. It also told me how to get a six pack but I'm not quite there yet - I find it easier to check stools.

I'll check your stools for you if you like. I'm quite an expert.

There's only one problem.

I'm colour blind.

Yes film fans. Red, Brown, Green - its all the same shit to me.

So there I am, bent double over my toilet, 2.30am, Mai Ling doing her cute puppy snores from my bed, checking my stools for spots of blood but I can't tell the browns from the reds. Fcuk. I mean the whole thing could be one giant blood turd for all I know.

So what did I do.

I called help.

I called William Shatner, he's a close personal friend, and lives not so far away from me. I woke him up, but he said he'd come down.

He arrived about a half hour later and checked my stools. He gave me the all clear - there were no red spots.

I was relieved and felt much better. I asked him if he wanted a cuddle with Mai Ling for his troubles but he said he'd rather a quick game of chess, so we went onto the balcony and ended up playing chess till sun up. It was 4-3 in games to the Shat. He's good, but he's so slow making his moves, I wanted to slap his head a few times.

So, a long night. Which is never good before a full day of meetings I have today. I'm in with Disney and Fox. They're both competing for a script I'm producing called 'Death by Disorientation' - its an action/comic/thriller type thing. I'll keep you posted.

We're actually looking for an Asian lead for the movie. Any hot undiscovered ladies out there, step on forward and drop me a comment. We'll see if we can accomodate you.

Keep it real film fans.

And keep it Kosher.

Barush Hashem.

Chaim.